Not being ‘ill enough’

12.02.2018

Sorry it’s a bit bleak, but it’s an important message…

Throughout my eating disorder struggle, I never really felt that I was ill enough to seek treatment. I felt that because I had never been hospitalised or in the underweight category, I was OK.

I know that a lot of people with eating disorders feel the same way.

In reality, the physical effects of bulimia can be fatal, and the mental effects can be just as bad. Everyone who is suffering from any form of eating disorder deserves help.

Sometimes I get a reminder of just how ill I was when I was at my worst…

Today I was chatting with my mum and sister as they boxed up their belongings in preparation for moving house. There were lots of things that we hadn’t seen for a long time, including a notebook of mine.

Inside the notebook were details of one of my restriction techniques, where I would gain certain points for eating between certain calorie limits. These points would accumulate over several days until I had enough to move up a level.

Looking at it made me feel so sad. I remember writing it and truly believing that by the time I reached the final ‘level’ I would be my goal weight. A weight that probably would have killed me.

Although it was sad, it was a reminder of just how far I’ve come. How those calories don’t scare me anymore, the levels are just nonsense and how the points system just seems barbaric.

I was very ill, more than I thought I was at the time. It’s a shame that it’s only now that I can see it.

On the plus side, I also found some fiction I wrote and I actually quite like it. I think I’m going to use those excerpts in my future writing!

Thanks for reading, I hope you can take something away from this. Remember that you DO deserve help, no matter what weight, gender or age you are.

-Holly

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