For the past two sessions we’ve been focusing on the timeline of my life and looking for any signs of where and when my eating disorder developed.
After a bit of emotional digging and filling up an entire A4 piece of paper with thoughts and feelings we think we’ve found something.
Basically, since secondary school, I’ve had a very negative view of myself. I’ve carried this view through to adulthood and unknowingly shaped my world around it.
I’ve put up walls in the shape of rules I think I need to follow in order to keep myself safe. For example, I try not to be outspoken about my opinions for fear of a confrontation.
The eating habits and desire to lose weight are just another mechanism I’ve been using to try to feel better about myself. “If I can just hit 100lbs then I know I’ll be happier and more people will like me.”
So what’s the plan?
I’ve been told to look into compassion therapy online, apparently this can help with the negative self-talk.
I also need to take myself less seriously and try to break the boundaries I’ve set for myself.
Lastly, I need to slowly change my beliefs about myself. This will be the hardest and no doubt the longest part, but it will be so worth it in the end.
It’s nice to finally feel like I’m moving forward, and I’m improving every day.
My therapist asked me to read out my ‘Letter to my body’ blog post, and he asked if he could use it to help some of his other clients.
I honestly feel so humbled that something I’ve written could be helping other people just like me.