Today I had my first ever CBT session. I wasn’t as nervous about it as I thought I might be, which I think is because I’ve been doing better recently.
These past few weeks I’ve been feeling a LOT better. My eating habits have improved and my thoughts and feeling towards myself and my body are moving in the right direction. I felt a bit weird going into therapy and I explained to the therapist that I felt like I shouldn’t be there.
He reassured me that most of his clients say that to him, and that this type of therapy is usually for those who are already well on the road to recovery.
I haven’t had experiences of therapy before, and I thought it would be a case of me pouring out my innermost feelings and someone nodding and asking me how that makes me feel. Thankfully, it wasn’t like that, and he asked me lots of questions and we started looking forward and to what a recovered Holly would look like.
The session was really helpful and I really think that over the next 3 months I’m going to be able to tie up all of the loose ends and really get rid of my eating disorder and depression for good – yay!
Here are some points I learned from this session:
-I’m very psychologically minded, apparently, and it’s a good thing.
-I’m able to talk very openly about my life and my problems, even to a stranger.
-The cycle of thinking can be broken.
-Full recovery is definitely possible, and in reach.
-I know what triggers my disordered eating behaviours and thoughts.
-I now have a clearer picture of what recovery is for me.
I’ve been given some ‘homework’, where I have to fill in a chart that analyses my moods and thoughts/feelings in different situations. Hopefully it will give me a better idea of what I need to work on.
As I said, I’m doing a lot better and I really feel like I’m heading in the right direction. I haven’t binged for a few weeks now and I can’t remember the last time I purged, it was months and months ago.
The problem I identified in my therapy session was the mismatch between my thoughts and feelings. In my head, I know that my body is fine as it is and that I’m worthy of love and happiness just as I am, but I don’t feel it yet, and that’s what I need to work on.
It’s like when you have an argument with someone and about halfway through, you realise that you’re wrong, but you can’t stop feeling angry. It’s frustrating, but it can be changed.
That’s about it for this blog, I hope you’re having a good day!