An argument with my eating disorder

I hope you’re all having a lovely day, and I just want to say thank you to you if you’re reading this.

Right now I’m in what I call a ‘down’, when I feel consumed by depressing thoughts and I feel like the old eating disorder is trying to pull me back. But instead of going to bed early and feeling sorry for myself, I thought I would write how I’m feeling.

I’m hoping that this will explain a bit more for those of you who have never (and I hope never will) experienced an eating disorder.

Every eating disorder is different, and this is just mine. I’ve decided to make a list of the thoughts going round my head right now, and then challenge them, to remind myself that they’re all rubbish! Here goes:

1) Everything would be better if you were thinner.

What exactly would be better? I would have the same job, the same relationship, the same family, the same friends and the same personality. I would have the same skills and talents, the same strengths and weaknesses. Nobody would notice any difference, not really.

2) You could easily starve yourself for the next few days.

True, I could easily do it. For a while it would feel great, but it would end. I would binge because my poor body is starving and then I would feel even worse. There’s no point starving because it won’t solve anything, it will just make things ten times worse.

3) There are people online who could help you to do it.

There are people who could make the disorder worse, but I’m not going to talk to them. I cut all ties for a reason and life has been so much better since I did. If I go back, it’s only a matter of time until I want to leave again.

4) You’re ugly

Am I really though? Has anybody actually said that to me? No. But even if I was, does it really matter at the end of the day? I’m doing my best and I’m working to be comfortable in my own skin. Anyone who thinks I’m ugly is entitled to their opinion, it’s not like it’s my job to look perfect anyway!

5) Remember the excitement of losing weight?

It was exciting, but I have new goals now that have nothing to do with weight loss, and these excite me more.

6) You’re not where you want to be in life because of your weight.

Lies! I’ve never been turned down a job or a promotion because of my weight.

7) Everyone thinks that you’re fat. It is literally the first thing they think of when someone mentions you.

Nobody I know thinks I’m fat. Everyone I speak to tells me I’m being silly and that my body is great, just. as. it. is. They’re not lying.

8) You shouldn’t eat tonight. If you do, you’re choosing to be a failure.

I will eat tonight because I’ve planned my dinner and I need to eat to nourish my body. If I don’t eat then I know full well that I won’t have eaten enough today to sustain myself, and that is wrong.

9) If you eat, you’ll feel miserable.

Maybe, but it will pass. I know it will pass.

10) Your boyfriend would love you more if you were thinner.

I’m not even going to dignify that with an answer!

I’m sorry that it’s a bit heavy, but I do feel better now that I’ve challenged it instead of feeling sorry for myself. Also a shout out to my sister when she reads this – don’t worry! I’m ok, just a bit down.

If you’ve read this then thank you, I hope it helped you to understand, and if you’re going through something similar yourself then I hope you can overcome it.

– Holly


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