It’s been a little while since I’ve written about my eating disorder, so I thought I would do a little update just to let you know where I’m at. It might be a bit lengthy – sorry!
I was first told I had bulimia in March 2015, and I’ll always consider that year to be my rock bottom. I was very ill and I didn’t really know it at the time. Luckily, I’ve come very far since then.
I know that what I’ve been struggling with over the past few months is a small relapse. I’m not trying to downplay it, but I just know it’s not as bad as it has been before, and I’m very happy about that.
When I was on holiday last week, I felt good. I even posted this picture to my twitter feed:
I actually thought to myself that I’d overcome the relapse because I honestly felt so good. I even considered cancelling my CBT session in September.
Since yesterday though, I’ve been feeling a bit flat. I keep getting strong urges to calorie restrict. I keep looking at my body and seeing it as bigger than it really is. It’s like a recurring thought of “imagine if you only ate 500 cals tomorrow – how good would that feel?”
So far I’ve managed to resist these thoughts and I’ve stuck to my three meals a day and some snacks. I haven’t binged since before we went away and I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time I purged.
All I can do for now is keep fighting these thoughts and try to find that love for my body that I had last week. I need to keep eating enough and try to work out what, if anything, seems to trigger these thoughts.
I’ll keep you updated.